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Need Help?

Peter Slapnicher

This is not me.  Alas, I am looking for more reasons to stay up late the night before I'm supposed to get up early and so I am offering many different services in exchange for little to no compensation. Lit Mag Editors, take note.  I am available to perform these services for you:

1) Slush Pile Reader - Need someone to weed through the chaff and present to you only the heartiest of grain, while sending kind and encouraging notes to the chaff?  I'm your gal. You need only to read these posts to know that I have slowly internalized the art of the rejection letter. (Also, I used to read the slush pile for The Means before they went under.)

2) Weird Craft Art Editor (title for this position attributed to H. Tim Dieselby) - Few know this, but I am quickly nearing mastery of the construction and history of "Weird Craft Art."  Does your magazine await the addition of weird craft art or need help managing the weird craft art it already has?  I can help.  Want to know how?  Well, hire me and I will make that clear.

3) Advice Columnist - Have an advice column in your magazine, but no one to spout the advice?  That's what I'm here for: to make it sound like I know what I'm talking about even if no one else does.  I'm good.  Really good.

4) Research Assistant - Need a helper to stalk someone's Facebook so you can tell if they already have a bf/gf?  Need someone to befriend the person you desire so that you can learn inside information on what they think of you?  I am the master.  This doesn't have much to do with lit mags, but who can get the editorial work done they need to when they're wasting time pining over the unattainable?

5) Television Correspondent - That's right.  You know you've wanted to add a television section to your magazine forever.  But who has time to watch and report on what you see when you're reading quality literature all the time?  For the past seven years, I have lived without a working television, but I'm ready to get back in the game.  I am willing to watch cable tv for you and tell you everything you are missing, and all you have to do is pay my cable bill.  OR, you can pay my netflix bill, and I will watch all the TV on DVD you desire of me.

All of these services I am willing to offer up for free, with the exception of the last one.  TV Correspondent deserves a salary.  Simply email me at  Thank you for your time.  I look forward to hearing from you.